So I Tried to Make Sushi…

I’m not a cook. I’ve only made fried potatoes, cereal, and Ramen noodles over the course of my life. Even so, that didn’t stop me from telling myself that I was the best “cook” in the world and that I could make anything if I put my mind to it. Bad idea.

Yesterday, I finally decided that it was time to start cooking real food – not just something out of a can or an instant packet. After all, it was my big chance to prove to myself how awesome my cooking skills were. All of this was just fine and dandy, until, for some reason, I chose to make sushi – because, why not? It’s yummy, simple, and just screams out, “You’re cultured if you eat me!”

Now, here’s the really stupid part: I’ve never really had sushi. At least, I don’t think I have. But this didn’t stop me.

I went straight to Google to research the best way to make the Japanese luxury dish. This is when things get interesting. Because suddenly, I realize that I hate raw fish. But I did like imitation crab, so I went with that instead.

Also, to make sushi, most chefs use seaweed to keep the rice and ingredients inside. That way, it doesn’t completely fall apart while you’re trying to squish it all together. I didn’t know that was what it was used for, so I completely dropped it from my shopping list.

It was time to buy the ingredients for the wonderful dish of food that I intended to make. I went to the store, ran around in circles, and found some ingredients that looked like they belonged in food (seriously, that was my criteria for choosing ingredients).

I arrived at home hungry. I started steaming some rice, pulled out some wax paper and started making a mess in the kitchen. I took the rice and started smashing it like a pancake on wax paper. It finally started taking shape. Success!

It was time to apply the imitation crab. That’s when the unbelievable happened: I noticed that the crab was past the expiration date. Now, I do a lot of dumb things, but eating old seafood just isn’t one of them. I promptly threw the crab away. Now, what? I was planning to make sushi without seaweed or fish. It was hopeless, but for some reason, I just continued anyway.

I applied some squash on the rice. Yum. It really made what I was trying to do seem interesting, when in reality, I was just squeezing squash and rice into a weird cylinder shape. I found some soy sauce and added that into the mix as well.

After around half an hour of accidentally spilling rice and sauce everywhere, I was done. I had used an entire pot of rice to make this, but there wasn’t more than 5 servings. Sigh. At least my food is photogenic?


That’s probably the last time I’m ever going to try anything so complicated without first knowing what the heck I’m doing. Also, if that many things go wrong while you’re trying to do something, then stop. It’s not worth the pain of continuing.

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